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"Those who go mad are merely thoughtful souls who failed to reach any conclusions." - Bloodborne

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ways to annoy people.

Annoying people can be fun and there's endless ways to do it. Here's just a few you might want to try.

1. Telling time.

If someone asks you the time and it's the top of the house, any hour, do this.

Let's say it's 2 o'clock. Instead, tell them it's 1:60.

2. Wrong system.

If you're in America, use country-inappropriate weights and measurements. Refer to weight in stone and height in millimeters. Act like it's completely normal.

3. The Queen.

After every statement you make, add "at least, that's what the queen tells me" to the end.

4. Joe.

Call everyone Joe, including women and little girls. If the person you're talking to is already named Joe? Call him Bob.

5. It'll kill ya.

Insist that cancer causes smoking. When corrected, pretend to quickly forget and continue.

6. Wrong language.

Attempt to communicate with anyone who looks foreign, even if they already know English. The trick is, use the wrong language. If they're Asian, try using Spanish words, for example.

7. Price check.

Do you have a "Dollar Tree" or any such store in your area where everything costs $1? If so, bring an item to the front every time you visit the store and ask if they can scan it to see what the price is.

8. Team Yoda.

Do you know a really big Star Wars fan? If so, ask to have something cleared up about the prequels. Then ask them if the Werewolves or Vampires won.

9. Have it your way.

Visit the drive-through of your local Pizza Hut. Attempt to order a Big Mac. Do this once a day for a month.

10. Blasphenomenal.

Visit a church, ask them directions to the nearest abortion clinic. Repeat as desired.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Attention fellow liberals/hippies/whatever: GMO corn.

Why am I getting emails about GMO (genetically modified) corn? Everyone wants me to sign petitions and send tweets and yell in the street about it.

As someone who thinks the future of humanity is going to HAVE to have some genetic tinkering, I find this fear over genetically modified plants to be a little silly. If you have evidence that it's unsafe, by all means, let me have it. Otherwise, don't bother.

The only thing I'm hearing is "OMG It's genetically modified, BAN IT!" and that's just not enough to convince me to join your crusade against it.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ten reasons why Santa Claus is better than Jesus.

1. While Santa Claus and Jesus are both fictional, Santa Claus is based on a real person. He was even a follower of the Jesus character... and got shit for it!

 2. Santa Claus has reindeer that help him to fly. Does Jesus fly? What, walking on water? Hah. Childs stuff. Have fun prancing around on puddles, Jesus.

3. Jesus may have risen from the dead that one time but Santa Claus doesn't die. Also, it took Jesus three days. Slow bitch.

4. Santa Claus gives kids toys, what does Jesus give? Forgiveness? Yeah, that's what kids want for Christmas. Nice gift, asshole. What next, socks?

5. Santa Claus doesn't get by on the coat-tails of his father.

6. Santa Claus has elves, elves are cool. What does Jesus have, apostles? Apostles sounds like something you would need medication for. Elves > apostles any day.

7. Santa Claus and his elves makes toys, Jesus makes religious assholes and shitty bumper stickers.

8. Santa Claus just asks that you don't be an asshole, Jesus and the bible require a lot of very odd things.

9. Santa Claus delivers the toys himself, Jesus has a bunch of nutjob religious wackos deliver his so-called messages.

10. Fashion. Red and white suit > shitty robes any day of the week.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Potatoes: The gangster of vegetables.

Have you ever noticed that the potato is the gangster of foods? No? Think about it...

You buy some, store them somewhere, perhaps in one of those things you hang in your kitchen, and does it die? Wither? Rot? Hell no. The potato says "No sunlight? No dirt? No water? Bitch I'm a potato! I'm gangsta as shit! I'll grow where ever I want! I'll grow all day and night, sprout right here in the kitchen! Fo' real! Gangsta fo' life! From the streets! All day! Gettin' my way! Outta prison! Back again! Doin' drive bys! On my own house! Don't give a fuck!"

I'm sure it's something like that anyway...

However, I WON'T point out that they're all brown. That would just be racist.