In our first story, Saudi Arabia announced they'll be completely halting the production of Pepes in a bid to make them rare again. People across the Internet have been enjoying a surplus lately that has driven the rareness down by record margins.
Touching on an issue that has stuck with him from childhood, Bernie Sanders announced in a speech that he'll make sure accused witches of Salem, Massachusetts get fair trials. Hillary Clinton released a statement thanking Bernie Sanders.
After the death of supreme court justice Antonin Scalia, Republicans are promising to block or delay any nomination made by Obama. Donald Trump promised to use his elite team of hired necromancers to reanimate and place Zombie Ronald Reagan on the supreme court.
Star Wars Episode VIII is reportedly already in production. "It's going to be like the Call of Duty of films" said a Disney spokesperson, "We'll have one a year until everyone hates it, then just keep going!"
Nichegamer broke the news that Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 will have pole dancing. "MY PTSD IS UNENDING" said local "social justice" quack. "I'M PTSDING ALL OVER MYSELF AND I CAN'T STOP!"
That's all for this edition. Have a good day everyone.