Welcome to the Real Fake News. We'll start with a letter from the editor:
"If you're reading this, I've been locked in a warehouse and am being forced to help edit shitty fake news stories. Please tell my wife, Samantha, that she was always a bitch."
Real funny, Tom. Now, for our stories...
Gas prices continue to plummet forcing oil rich nations to get creative. They're now offering a buy one get one free barrel deal along with a toy. The king of Saudi Arabia was quoted to say "We have Mario Karts, all. Peach kart, Luigi Kart, all."
A vicious snow storm continues to wrack the east coast. Donald Trump promised to "deport all snow back to Hoth" if elected president.
A 7.1 magnitude earthquake struck near Anchorage Alaska early Sunday morning. A massive amount of snow was ejected into the air and is expected to land on all the other snow on the east coast.
Four of Twitter's top executives recently left the company. They were in charge of the company's current money making strategy. They announced a new plan to "Sell snow cones on the east coast. It's a brilliant idea, they'll love it!"
Local fake news man gets reprimand over terrible running gag about snow on the east coast. Wait a second, GOD DAMNIT TOM! I'M DONE. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!