1. Emo Onions.
The only onion that cuts itself.
Haven't you always wanted a ladle that possessed the intelligence to feel bad about the fact that it's called a ladle? I know I have.
A Tattoo that can call you a dumbass for getting it. That's what I call progress.
Toilet paper with Mitt Romney's face on it. I'd buy it.
Enhanced spell check.
A keyboard with a built-in spell checker. If you use "u" or "ur" as words, it electrocutes you.
Drowning in comfort.
Heated ice skates, to keep your feet warm while skating.
I call it: The Smuggie. It's a blanket with sleeves, made out of hundred dollar bills and wool, from really fancy sheep.
Musical chairs. Not the kids game, actual chairs that play music. Why hasn't anyone else thought of this?