Ladies and gentleman and Mark, welcome. We are here today to celebrate the union of two unique people. Mary, a woman of beauty, talent and class. And Tom, a man of many, many felonies. Tom is a long time friend of mine, we go way back. Who knew that a mugging could turn into a lifelong friendship? The world is truly a magical place. He's always been there for me and me for him. I've bailed him out of jail for, at LEAST 32 arrests regarding cocaine. He's helped me through numerous border crossings. No one hides controlled substances like Tom, he's very crafty.
Now, I don't know Mary very well but I have read the police reports. She sounds like a fantastic women to have in a knife fight.
Some might say these two finding each other was an unlikely event, I disagree. I've seen the maps Tom has of her workplace, home, family's homes and most traveled routes. I'd say him finding her was a damn near certainty. Again, Tom is a very crafty fellow. A finer man with Google Earth you'll never find.
Call me hopeful, but I'm certain that Mary and Tom will be very happy together unlike the previous 42 wives Tom has had that have gone missing. I wish you both a happy life together and I hope you'll excuse me because my guild is raiding today and I was supposed to be back 5 minutes ago.
Or something like that.