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"Those who go mad are merely thoughtful souls who failed to reach any conclusions." - Bloodborne

Saturday, October 15, 2016


I've suffered from depression for a very long time now, I'm not sure EXACTLY how long. Maybe 15 years or so? I can't quite pinpoint when it started, but it's been with me so long that it's part of who I am. I barely remember what I was like without it.

I thought for a long time that if I could just find enough success, I could overcome it and be happy. Maybe I would have enough money to be happy, or have enough things to be happy, etc. Maybe if I could stop being such a loser, I'd be free of this depression. Honestly, I don't think so anymore.

Recently, on Twitter, we were discussion Robin Williams. In case you somehow weren't aware, Robin Williams suffered from severe depression for a long time. I don't know the exact history or details of his suffering, but it was bad enough for him to eventually kill himself. I got to thinking... if everything he had wasn't enough to keep him going, what chance in hell do I have??

Robin Williams had fame in his millions of adoring fans. He had all the money anyone could want. He had a loving family... but he still killed himself. He was a funny, talented, rich, successful and well loved person and it still couldn't keep him going.

I know that I'll never have even 1/10th of what he has, and that's if things GO WELL. My family is mostly terrible, my friends are too far away and I could never dream of having the level of fame or success that Williams had. So what keeps me going?

I don't know.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016


Instead of adding to the previous post, I thought I'd just make a new one. I'm useless. I see friends, people I care deeply for, hurt and in pain, almost on a daily basis. What do I do to help them? What CAN I do to help them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, and it kills me.

I sympathize, since I suffer from depression, sometimes quite severely. My sympathy alone is worthless and I have nothing else I can offer. It makes me feel like a failure. Not being able to help the people I care about emotionally, financially, in any tangible, meaningful way. What kind of friend is that? Who would want someone around who's so completely and utterly worthless? What good am I to anyone if I can't even help the people I care about? Why should they care about me?

I'm not sure.

Monday, October 10, 2016


Since I'm not good at writing, I'll skip straight to the point: I'm lonely. I'm terribly lonely. It's like a tumor growing on my brain, I feel it getting a little bigger all the time. Just a tiny bit larger. I feel like I physically sink down just a little further each day from the weight of it on my brain. The worst part? I have nothing I can do about it. Ever.

I'm a loser, a failure, 100% forever alone. That's not me being pessimistic, that's the truth. This is the way it is and it will always be this way. Why? Because... I have nothing to offer. I'm not particularly good looking, I'm not in great shape (although I'm working on that... I'm not sure why) and I have no money. I will never be particularly good looking or have money, I can get in shape... although it seems rather pointless. What good would sitting here in this room every day, being miserable but with six pack abs be? I can't think of an answer to that question. I go to the gym on a regular basis but I just don't see anything good coming from all the effort. Oh, you mean now I grow increasingly miserable all time AND I get to live longer? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!

I have no chance at any sort of significant other, but I do try and have friends. I've never considered myself someone worthy of having friends, so it never lasted very long. I'm not sure how much my friends online (obviously I don't know anyone in real life) like me. They seem nice, but I never can tell. I love my friends, especially a select few, especially one in particular, to pieces, but I obviously don't tell them that because then I just look like a crazy Internet stalker. I just don't think it would come across as genuine and not weird. I'm not one of those types, but people have bad experiences, you know?

People say that life is too short, bullshit. Life is too goddamn long. I'm over 30 and this shit feels like it's already gone on at least 10 years longer than it should have... and I have SO MUCH MORE TO GO! I just don't know what to do. Not being lonely is completely out of the question, I can keep going with my fitness efforts for... some fucking reason I'm still not sure. I can put more effort into my shitty YouTube channel that's never going anywhere ever. It doesn't seem like any avenue for improving myself or my situation will be worth the effort or have any actual positive impact on my life.

I'd apologize for this pointless babbling but no one reads this shit anyway, so it's all good. I guess I just wanted something online so if something ever happens, this blog post might be found and explain things.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

News Bit: 10/6/2016

If you liked that, there's plenty more News Bit over at my YouTube channel.